I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
