I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
