Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
