Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
