She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
