Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
