On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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