I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
