So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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