I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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