I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
