If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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