my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
