If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
