woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
