I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
