Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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