sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
