I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
