i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
