as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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