I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
