she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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