it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
