The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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