If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
