Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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