Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i've created a new STD.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
