She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
