Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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