come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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