I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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