I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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