it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
