Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
