I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
