did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
