4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
