I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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