she woke up with a sticky ear
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
