If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
