i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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