i already hear my dad disowning me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
