brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
