he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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