i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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