Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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