never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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