the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
