Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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