I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
