my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
