So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
