george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
