I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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