I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
