where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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