Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
