My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
