Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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